I Am Bipolar

 

It was deleted. 

My past, had been deleted because I no longer wanted to see it. I didn't want to be reminded of the hell I had went through in my past. An entire lifetime was gone in a single button. There were things I talked about that I just didn't want to see ever again. I was over it. I was over reading about all the struggles I had to endure back then. 
   

Do I miss it? Kinda...it would have been a great reminder on how far I have com over the years. How my life actually became everything I wanted. How when he stepped into my life, I finally had a partner I could count on, who actually cared about me and my thoughts. I finally felt at peace with everything I had in my life. 

But mostly, it was just a heady reminder of how long I had went without true happiness. 

But today is a new chapter in my future. There are so many goals I want to accomplish now that my bipolar is under control and I am feeling fine. There are healthy things that I can do now to really push my boundaries. I don't want to climb Mount Everest. I don't want to swim with sharks. I just want to be healthy and happy and live a very simple life which is something I could have never said in my Bipolar state. 

I love to watch my birds. I love to be home with my kids now and be able to give them the childhood they have always wanted. 

I technically was still a "good person" back then, or at least, I tried to be. Of course sometimes my brain would lie to me and I would make the wrong decisions, and when I made wrong decisions I would go all the way in them. Bipolar never let me go halfway. If I was depressed, I would cry constantly and not be able to work appropriately. I would wake up every morning excited to go back to bed. When I was happy I was over-the-moon elated. I wouldn't want to make anyone happy besides my self which also led to unemployment and a broken home. 

My ex and I could not help one another. We didn't want to, we were both utterly exhausted of one another. I would try and get him to see me, see my thoughts, feelings, etc. He was not willing. 
I would swing one way and he would have to readjust which would ultimately ask him to do something he wasn't willing to do. 

I don't hate him for abandoning me during my trials, in fact, I abandoned him first when I decided to leave. It wasn't that I didn't try to make things work, it was just that I found someone to ride the roller coaster with me without complaint. He loved me through all of my issues no mater the cost to his own personal worries. When he stepped into my life, I finally had the bravery to be with someone who knew the cost of Bipolar and was willing to be there for me during those times. I had fought too long and too hard by myself; internalizing all of my failures all alone. 

To this day, I can't complain about anything. He is still here. He is still choosing to be with me even though I have issue after issue. He makes me normal. He makes me stable. He doesn't challenge the mentality of a Bipolar person. He rides the waves and just makes I make the safe decisions while my highs and lows come and go. He never asks me to do above and beyond what I can handle at every given time. 

I ask myself all of the time if I am capable of working; could I handle being at one spot everyday with others that could affect my mood. I would love to be normal with a normal job and a normal life and a double income coming into the home. Alas, I cannot. I tried. Boy did I try. 

I couldn't handle my toxic boss. The first job I had gotten since being medicated. She put me into panic attacks and I got nervous all of the time. I dreaded going into work because that is how much she affected me. It was even my dream job; as a barista. 

I couldn't do it. I couldn't work and deal with the moods that woman would get me in. 

I am basically asking for a boss that is willing to let me do whatever I need to do during whatever phase my Bipolar is in. That is asking for too much. Nobody can rely on me and that dreaded feeling happens to me even at home when I let so many things go. 

So today is literally a start of a new chapter in my life and I cannot wait to journey to the next phase. 
A rare feeling for a Bipolar person. 

Cheers. 

Lil