It's Just Who I Am Now

    I don't owe an explanation to anyone of how I have gained a new dream, or desire, or a need. This is a hard pill to swallow with us to put others feelings on such a high pedestal. Some of us legitimately can't let go of others thoughts. We can't sweep thoughts and opinions of others under a preverbal rug and continue to live out our truth. 

    That is me in a nutshell. 

    I seem to think that I needed to be a chameleon all of my life. I needed to be exactly how others needed me to be 💯. I am not sure where this desire to be everything to everyone came from. I had always had a big heart that was easily manipulated by what was happening around me. I got into the wrong crowd a while back. A woman snatched me from thin air, promised me a future, promised me sisterhood and companionship. 

    It took me an embarrassingly longer time to realize the toxicity of that relationship and how I had to morph into a bully. Someone who I have never in my life been before. I was making other women feel abandoned, hurt, wrong. I was an instigator for bad behavior. I was making other women feel less than and sitting in my corner judging everyone around me. This was not me, at all. I have never ever been that person. I have never allowed others to behave that way and worst of all, allow them to morph me into my own worst enemy. 

    But the promise of companionship was a strong force in my life. The need to feel important and special kept me going into the same toxic path that I wouldn't ever do outside of this desire to be included. I liked the feeling of having her in my life, talking with her, bashing others with her. I had literally turned into my own worst enemy with every passing moment. 

    It wasn't until the horrid feelings and tension and bullying was turned on me that I learned what was going on. I was the new target. I was the one that needed to be silenced for simply being me. It wasn't until I was faced with the distain that I realized that this relationship was a faćade and I was no longer interested in being the person I had been for the past months I had adorned her symbol upon my back. 

    It was the nail in the home that I had needed to rest in, away from the world, taking into account of everything I needed to be. 

    I now realize, the only people that truly have your back is those that are A) family B) Those that truly honor who you are and accept you wholeheartedly. Those that don't use their words as weapons against you and that help you through all of your own thoughts and struggles. 

-Lil